Contagious Fortune/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, whose Coke is this? Wanda Dollard: Hey, who drank my Coke? Hank: Oh, I drank it. Sorry. Oscar Leroy: What the hell is this? Lacey Burrows: Dog River dollars. It's just a fun little idea I came up with. It's pretty original, actually. Every time you buy something, you get Dog River dollars and you can spent them anywhere in town. Oscar: You mean like Canadian Tire money. Lacey: Mmm, it's pretty different. More original. Oscar: You mean like Disney Dollars? Lacey: No. Oscar: Yorkton Dollars? Lacey: You're missing the point. The point is, it's fun and somewhat original. Oscar: I don't want them. Lacey: But it's fun. Oscar: No it's not. It's annoying. I don't want it. Lacey: Yes you do. Oscar: No. Lacey: Yes. It's fun. Ruby Customer: I'll take them. Oscar: No. They're mine. Wanda: Ladies and Gentlemen, Ray Charles. Hank: Where? Brent: Don't play any of your crazy, boogie-woogie music in here, Mr. Cool. Hank: Oh, I'm not wearing these to be cool. There's something wrong with my eye, all puffy and itchy. It hurts to look at the sun. I think it might be time to get glasses. Wanda: Looks like you have conjunctivitis. Hank: What? Oh man, how long have I got? Wanda: I wish. It's just pink eye. Brent: Just pink eye? That's like saying it's just, it's just... all right. It's just pink eye, but still. Hank, get out. Hank: Oh, c'mon. You're overreacting. Brent: This is no different than the time I wanted to watch the football game at your place and you kicked me out 'cause I had the flu. Brent: Get out! Go watch the football game somewhere else, ya flu bug. Brent: Or, whoever kicked out who. This is no different, that's my point. Hank: Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Brent: Eww! Knock it off. Hank: What? I'm just picking my eye with a chocolate bar. Brent: Get out! Drop that and go! Hank: Ah! Brent: You better pick that up. Wanda: You better. Brent: No, you. Wanda: No, you. Brent: No, you. Wanda: No, you. Lacey: Hey guys, what'll you have? Karen Pelly: Uh, I'll have the fruit bowl with yogurt. Lacey: OK, and Davis? Davis Quinton: I'll have that too. Karen: You know what? I'll be hungry in an hour. I'll get the bacon and eggs instead. Davis: Yeah, that sounds good. Make it two bacon and eggs, no fruit bowl. Lacey: OK, and to drink? Davis: Geez, I don't know. Karen: I'll get a glass of orange juice. Davis: Me too. Karen: What are you doing? Davis: I'm ordering my breakfast. Karen: No, you're copying everything I'm ordering. Lacey: Yeah, and you're starting to dress alike too. What kind of toast do you want with that? Davis: I'll have rye. Karen: Whole wheat. Davis: Change mine to whole wheat. Emma Leroy: Oh, look. They have those chip clip things. And they're little Dog River ones, that's cute. Oscar: Is it? Emma: Yeah, we should get one. Oscar: Fine. We'll take one of these chick flics. Foo Mart Clerk: Sorry, those are promotional items. You can't use real money, only Dog River Dollars. Oscar: But I've only got two Dog River Dollars. Don't you have any dip sticks that don't say Dog River? Foo Mart Clerk: Oh, we got Dog River dip sticks. Emma: I want a chip clip. Foo Mart Clerk: Well, if you spend $50 worth of groceries, I can give you two Dog River Dollars back. Oscar: I'm not spending 50 bucks to get some stupid zip grip. We'll come back when we got more Dog River Dollars. Emma: You better hurry. I want a clip for my chips. Lacey: Hey! Check out the cool cat. Hank: I'm not trying to be cool. But you know, I might keep wearing these around after my pink eye clears up. Lacey: You have pink eye? Hank: Yeah. I got booted out of Corner Gas. They were acting like I had the plague or something. Lacey: Aw, what's their problem? Pink eye's no big deal. Hank: Yeah. Lacey: Hey guys, just so you know, Hank has pink eye. So, you might not wanna get too close to him. Karen: Kick him out and burn his clothes! Davis: No, you don't have to do that. Just kick him out. Hank: No, no, no, hey! It's OK, it's just...doctor gave me these eye drops. Supposed to clear it up pretty quick. Tastes awful though. Lacey: Hank, I think that's supposed to go in your eye. Hank: Orange juice in my eye? I don't think so. Brent: No, you. Wanda: No, you. Brent: No, you. Wanda: No, you. Karen: Just the gas. Ooh, and maybe, this chocolate bar. Davis: Ooo, chocolate bar sounds good. I'll have one too. Wanda: You know, the one on the floor is on sale. Karen: It's on the floor. Wanda: That's why it's on sale. Brent: We're having a special today on floor bars. Karen: Fine, I'll just get some gum. Davis: Ooo, gum sounds good. You got any floor gum on sale? Karen: You're just copying me again! Davis: No I'm not. I did not know I wanted gum until you got some. Brent: Good news. Free floor bar with every gum. Davis: No thanks. Oscar: I need three more of these Dog River Dollars. Lacey: Well, I can't just give them to you. You have to buy something first. Oscar: I'm trying to a stupid chip stick. Lacey: Ah, you mean a chip clip. Those things are great and you know what? You don't just use 'em for chips. Broken zip-lock bag, chip clip it. Cookie bag, chip clip it. Open bread... Oscar: I get it. Just give me the Dog River Dollars so I can buy whatever the hell you're talking about. Lacey: OK, if you get a cup of coffee, a muffin and two breakfast specials I can give you three Dog River Dollars. Oscar: I don't want all that crap. Lacey: Well I'm sorry, but I don't make up all the rules. Although, in this case I guess I do. Ha, ha! This is fun, huh? Oscar: Can I use your photocopier? Karen: Knock yourself out. Oscar: Now where's the "three" on this stupid machine? Oh, oh. Hold on now. Wait a minute! Oscar: All right. There's the stupid chip dip you wanted. Emma: I wanted a chip clip. You can't clip chips with this. I can dip chips but what do I do with the leftover chips? Oscar: Sometimes I wish you just liked nuts. Lacey: Ok, here we go. And don't forget, you get some Dog River Dollars back after this. Karen: Oh, how could we forget when you remind us every five seconds. Davis: I thought you were ordering fries. Karen: I was, but I changed it to soup. Davis: When? Karen: When you were in the washroom. Davis: Can I have some soup too? Lacey: Sure, but I'm gonna have to throw out perfectly good fries. Karen: I'll take them. You can have my soup. Davis: You can't do that! Lacey: Tell you what. I'll bring you both soup and fries. Davis: Sounds good. Karen: I'll get a chocolate shake. Lacey: OK, two chocolate shakes. He's gonna order it anyway. Davis: It's true Karen, it's true. Karen: Fine. Then I want carrot cake. Davis: Me too. Karen: And a turkey sandwich. Davis: Sounds good. Lacey: Fantastic. Brent: No, no, no! You get out! Hank: No wait, I got great news! Brent: Tell your story walking, move! Hank: No, there's something I gotta tell you. Aw! Wanda: Yeah, get out! And stay out ya sicko! Brent: I'm surrounded! Wanda: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. This is allergies. Hank: Mine's cleared up, look. Brent: Well, why didn't you just say that? Hank: I was leading up to it. It's not something you just blurt out. Wanda: It's not that bad. Look. Brent: No, no! Get back! Back up! Stay back. And stay out! I mean in. Aw crap, now she's in the store. Wanda: It's not pink eye! It's very dusty in here! Brent: Back, get back. Out! Don't touch anything, just go! Get! Hank: Oh, maybe I was too tough on her. I too was once like her. Brent: Short and angry? Wanda: Hey, Yarbo! I'm coming back for you! You made me like this. I'll be back, for you! Brent: Short and creepy? Emma: Where were you? Oscar: Just doing a little shopping. You know how I love shopping. Emma: You hate shopping. Oscar: Love shopping. Check out all the things I got. Chip clip for you. New comb for me. Pair of suspenders for me. Green hat for me. Another green hat. Blue hat. That was an impulse buy. Emma: Where'd you get the money for this? Oscar: Tut, tut, tut, my love. I haven't forgotten about you. The chip clip is just the beginning. Emma: Oh, Oscar! They're beautiful! Oscar: Now, what were you asking me? Emma: Who the hell knows? Davis: What are you doing? Karen: What? Davis: Karen, swinging handcuffs is my thing. It's what I'm known for. Karen: Really? I thought you were known for copying my food orders. Davis: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Karen: Yeah, well imitate this. "Mew, mew, mew. I'm Davis and I can't order my own food." Davis: It's not very flattering. Karen: But it's sincere. Emma: What's going on? Let me in! Brent: Ask her what she wants. Hank: What'd ya want? Emma: A loaf of bread. Hank: A loaf of bread. Brent: Ask her why she's wearing sunglasses. Hank: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Emma: It's bright out! Hank: Sez it's bright out. Brent: Tell her to take them off. Hank: Take off the sunglasses. Emma: Oh, for crying out loud! Hank: It's OK, she's a white eye. Sorry about the extra security. Wanda's been in here with the pink eye. Emma: Oh, really? I'll just get my bread at the Co-op. Wanda: You missed a spot. Brent: Geez! How'd you get in here? Wanda: Through the Ruby, der. Brent: Hank! Wanda's breached the perimeter! Hank: What? How? Brent: Through the Ruby, der. Lacey: Sorry, she got past me. Wanda: That's right. I said I'd be back. You can't stop my pink eye revenge! Go my pets, spread your pink wrath, as I have commanded you! Brent: Geez, a little dramatic. Wanda: Oh, like breach the perimeter is your everyday lingo? Brent: All right, that's it! Go, get out! Hank: Brent! Lacey: No, don't send her over here! Hank: Sweep, sweep! Hurry hard, hurry hard! Lacey: Oh! Wanda: Oh, this isn't over. We'll be back. Hank: We? Wanda: Me, and my pink eye! Brent: Ew. Davis: Ha, ha, tricked you. I gotta go change my pants. Emma: Oh, look at that. Don't you just love it? Oscar: She's OK. But I like the one with brown hair. Emma: Oh, not the mannequin, the blouse. It would go perfectly with that pair of pants the brown-haired mannequin's wearing. Oscar: You want that blouse? You got it baby. Emma: Ah! Ice Cream Kid: Aw! Oscar: Hey, don't be sad. There you go, get yourself a brand new ice cream cone. Kid: This will only get me one scoop. That one had two. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. No problem. You remind me of me when I was a kid. Kid: This isn't enough for a waffle cone! Oscar: Beat it you little punk! Emma: Kids today have no respect for money. Oscar: Yeah. Emma: Come on. Oscar: Yeah. Lacey: Here you go. I trust you take Dog River Dollars. Brent: Sorry, I'm not accepting these. Lacey: Oh, come on Brent. Everybody's on board with the program. Even your Dad. Brent: But it's a fake. Lacey: Well, of course it's fake. It's a Dog River Dollar. Brent: No, it's a fake, fake. See, there's a hair, or a crack, or a hairy crack on the elevator. Hank: Hairy crack, good one. Lacey: So, what, it's a counterfeit? Brent: Yeah, see? No hairy crack, hairy crack. Hank: Oh, that's awesome. Lacey: All right, you know what? I'm gonna let you two grow up and then maybe you'll realize how serious this is. Brent: Yeah, the town could be screwed out of tens of dollars. Lacey: Who would stoop so low? Davis: You sure have a lot of photocopying Oscar. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. I sure do. Brent: Oh, no! Hank: Oh, oh. How did you...? Wanda's inside, she's breached the pedometer! Wanda: Stop screaming! My pink eye's gone. Hank: It is? Oh, I guess I could hang out then. Wanda: No, wait. Now I have a bad case of tuberculeprosy. Hank: As long as it's not pink eye. Oh, hey, great news. Wanda's pink eye's cleared up. Brent: Ah, that is great news. Now the whole gang's back together, all three of us without pink eye. Wanda: What's with the gear? Brent: I just came from the pool. Thought I'd go for a quick swim before work. Boy, that chlorine sure irritates your eyes though, huh? That's why my eye's red. Hank: Good for you. I really should swim more. Wanda: Me too. Except there is no pool in Dog River. Brent: I know that. I went to the pool in Moose Jaw. Lots of chlorine though. That's why my eye's red. Hank: So what your saying is that you woke up, drove to Moose Jaw this morning, just to swim? Brent: And that's why my eye's red. Hank: Good for you. You're so motivated. Wanda: Motivated to spread your filthy, dirty eye goo! He's got pink eye! Hank: Really? Didn't the chlorine bug your pink eye? Wanda: Get out you contagious freak! Brent: Me? You were rubbing your eyeballs all over everything in here! I probably got this from you. Wanda: You're welcome! Lacey: Karen, Davis, I'm so glad I caught you. Davis: What's up? Karen: What's up? Lacey: I think someone might be counterfeiting the Dog River Dollars. Davis: Wow, counterfeits, eh? Karen: Wow, counterfeits, eh? Lacey: What's with you two? Karen: What's with you two? Oh, sorry, I'm supposed to be copying Davis. Davis: Oh, sorry, I'm supposed to be copying Davis. Ha, score! Karen: Ha, score! Davis: Oh. Karen: Oh. Davis: Oh. Karen: Oh. Lacey: Well, you two are obviously too busy copying each other so I'll just deal with this myself. Davis: She's copying me. Karen: She's copying me. Lacey: I'm leaving. I'm leaving. Davis: Who's she copying? Lacey: Emma, that's a nice blouse. Is that new? Emma: Mmm-hmm. Lacey: And your earrings? Emma: Oscar bought them for me. Lacey: Really? Wow, is it a special occasion or something? Emma: He doesn't need a special occasion to buy me nice gifts. Lacey: Oscar? The same man who bought you a stapler for your anniversary? Emma: Oh, there's my candy man now. I wonder what he got for me today? Here, buy yourself something, nice. Davis: Wow, so many choices. Karen: Wow, so many choices. Davis: OK, I won't copy what you eat anymore, just don't copy what I say. Karen: OK, I won't copy what you say anymore, just don't copy what I eat. Davis: Are you agreeing with me or copying me? Karen: I'm agreeing with you. Davis: This is hard. Karen: Just pick something. Davis: So many choices. Daily Special. Karen: OK, I'm having pork chops. Lacey: OK, can I take your order? Davis: What's the daily special? Lacey: Pork chops. Davis: All right! What? Wanda: Are the front doors locked? Hank: Yea, we're locked down. Wanda: What's that? Hank: Back door! Back door! Wanda: You get that. Hank (phone): Hello? Brent (phone): Hi, Hank. Nice work. But you look a little tired. Hank: He can see us! Brent (phone): Tell Wanda she dropped a hair elastic. Hank: Wanda. Oh, geez, you scared me! He says, you dropped your hair elastic. Wanda: Who said that? Hank: He did. Wanda: Oh, geez! How did you get in here? Brent: You forgot about the bathroom window. Hank: Hmm. Brent: Which is a pretty tight fit for a 200 pounder. Do we have any bandages? Hank: Get out. Brent: No, you come here! Wanda: Ah! Brent: I claim this gas station in the name of pink eye! Wanda: OK, well, the cooler needs restocking and the toilet's plugged. Hank: Wanna get a beer? Wanda: Sure: Brent: Hmm, didn't think that through. Oscar: That was a delicious meal Lacey, thank you so much. I think you'll find a generous gratuity there. Lacey: Well, thank you. Now if you'd like to pay me for it. Oscar: I just did. Lacey: Yeah? Well, your money has a hairy crack on it. Davis: Ha, ha, ha. Good one Lacey. Lacey: What, is everyone around here twelve? It has a hair, that looks like a crack, on the grain elevator. Emma: What the hell are you talking about? Lacey: Oscar has been counterfeiting the Dog River Dollars. Oscar: It was their photocopier. So, technically they're to blame. Davis: He's got a point. Karen: No he doesn't. We didn't know he was copying the money. Davis: She's right. We didn't know he was copying the money. Karen: Are you copying me? Lacey: So, you and Emma were behind this whole thing. Emma: How dare you accuse us of this! It was just Oscar. Oscar: Oh, way to sell me out. You were happy enough when you were swimming in chip clips. Emma: You only bought me one. Oscar: So, that's why you turned me in. Pretty penny, Emma. Now I'm going to jail. Lacey: No you're not. Because I've got something else in mind for you. Lacey: What are you doing in? Oscar: I thought this is what you meant. Lacey: No, I want you to pay me back in real money. Oscar: Oh. OK, but you're gonna owe me for doing the dishes. Wanda: Remember the time we all had pink eye? Brent: Wasn't that something? Hank: Oh man, those were crazy times. Category:Transcripts